She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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