There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
