She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Randomize
