hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
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Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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