JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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