my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
