I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
