I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
