im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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