Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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