what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
