Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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