Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
