I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Everclear isn't food dammit
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
