Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
