Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
