I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
