I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
