So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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