she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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