So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
