i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
