Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
