Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
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Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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