my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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