i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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