Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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