Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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