My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
