I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
