I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
