Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.

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(513): View more from Ohio

There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster

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(203): View more from Connecticut

shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library

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(970): View more from Colorado

She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.

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