It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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