I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
