I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
A bitchslap is in order.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
