On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
