this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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