I forgot how hot balto sounded
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
