I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
