just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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