And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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