if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
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Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
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He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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