I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
