The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
