that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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