Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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