i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
