Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
