My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
