...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
