hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
