I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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