Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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