I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
