Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
