Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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