I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
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My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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