"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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