I got her a Nickelback box set.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
